I know everyone says they have issues but I've been officially diagnosed with issues. My issues happen to be so severe that I get to take a month off work so the medication they gave me can kick in and so I don't freak out and jump off a bridge. No, really.
Yesterday I tried to go into work. Note, the tried. I got up, ate breakfast, brushed my cat (it's our morning ritual now), chilled for a bit, got dressed, and headed out. I made it to the parking lot and was parking my car when I hit the breaks, burst into tears then took off.
Where did I take off to? The cemetery where my parents are entombed. I sat with them for about two hours until I got hungry. Cemetery bathrooms are gross by the way. Anyway, I headed down to the shopping mall for food and promptly went to my doctor's office. Why? Because on my way back home I wanted to drive my car off a bridge.
Why? To be honest, I'm not entirely sure. I've always had darker thoughts and most of the time I can translate them into my writing and everything's good. It hasn't been working for a few years now but most of the time I can take a day off, cry it all out, and be done with till the next time I kind of cracked. This time, I broke. I couldn't fix it on my own.
My doctor referred me to the urgent care area in the hospital. I got to talk to an RN who specialized in mental issues about everything that's bugging me. No I'm not going to go into detail here mainly because it will reveal things about my location and my family life that I don't want to delve into for personal reasons.
The basics is I'm exceptionally unhappy with my life in general. I don't sleep well. I'm not enthused about anything (even writing) anymore. I hate my job. I hate the way my life has ended up. I hate myself. I want to go to sleep and not have to wake up to face the shit-hole that has become my life.
This is not where I wanted to be at this point in time. I had everything (or at least most of it) planned out. I had a way to get there. Then the train came off the track and I had no idea how to get it on the right path again. I still don't know how to get everything where it's supposed to go.
I think most of it comes from this cloud hanging over me, that has been hanging over me, for the better part of a decade. I don't think I'm worth it so I kind of hide out in this little corner and hang on the fringes of life. I don't want to cling to scraps anymore. I want to get out there and have a life, including marketing and publishing my novels but I don't feel like I'm good enough. I feel useless. I feel inadequate. There's no point in trying because it's not going to work anyway. I never have enough money and I'm so deep in debt I don't feel like I'll ever get back out.
So the RN got the emergency doctor to talk to me just to make sure I wasn't actually going to drive off a bridge or take a bottle of pills. I wasn't. I obviously didn't. The psychiatrist then spoke to me and prescribed me a month off work and two different kin of pills. One is a general anti-depressant/relaxant that I take every day and the other is a take-as-needed relaxant. I also got a few sheets of papers for referrals to grief counselling as well as therapists I can talk to. On Monday someone's going to be calling so they can make arrangements to come check on me through the month.
Thankfully the pills weren't too expensive because I had to pay for them out of pocket since my medical didn't kick in yet at work. Yes, even though I'm in Canada I still have to pay for my medication if I have no benefits through work. OHIP does cover some stuff but not this. Yes I do get a reduced rate (I'm sure) because I'm on a sort of benefit through the government but the pills were not free.
Anyway, I took the first one today. I know they say the pills aren't supposed to be working right away (about 3-5 weeks) but I don't feel like bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. I don't feel like ending it. I actually made a necklace today which I haven't done in months. I also felt disconnected. Kind of like I'm wasn't fully attached to my body. To be honest I think I was a little high. That feeling's gone now but man it was strong this morning. Right now I want to take a nap. And my mouth/throat has been really dry all day.
Oddly enough I feel like I could handle working. Do I want to go back? Nope. You can bet your life I'll be using at least part of this month to find a different job. The other part will be spent on novel writing, jewellery making, advertising Avalora, and reading.
I know I had a month off in January but it wasn't really a month off. I was freaking out about finding a job, worrying about training for the job I did get, and generally panicking about every little thing. Now? Eh, not so much.
Yes I'm still worried about money but it's at the back of my head. I know I have something coming to me Friday and I might not get sick leave benefits right away but I'll get something. I still have a job when I go back after a month. There are other issues and concerns which were bugging me (and still have the potential to bother me) but again: not an issue.
The concerns still need to be addressed of course but they aren't a horrifying monster that's going to bite my head off. They're more a bug I have to gather the courage to crush.
Until next time: thoughts, comments, rage, rants, questions, and out-right insults can be directed to the comments.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Is it June yet?
So I had this plan, see. It consisted of writing 14 novels in 2014 to go along with the 13 novels I wrote in 2013. Details here of course. But as some of us might know life doesn't always go as planned.
I work for a start up company. There are four of us trying to get these products that are really awesome into the world. I've been doing it for about six years now and haven't been paid for it in over a year.
Now you're thinking: Renna, why don't you just quit? Well, that would be the easy way out and I'm a stubborn git. I haven't quit because despite hating driving myself deeper into debt: I love my job, my boss has become a father figure to me, and I believe in the products. I believe that they're great and if someone would just take a damned well chance on them we could make improvements to the markets the products are in.
With that being said: the company can't keep going the way it's going and we've decided that if we can't make it by June then we're shutting it down. My boss is in no way a quitter and he didn't even want to give it up but his wife is right: we can't keep going the way we're going.
Which means if we don't make it by June I'll have to start looking for real work. If you clicked on the link in the first paragraph you'll have seen that my goal for this year was to write two books a month, finishing my crime fiction series in June. I'm not 100% sure if I can pull it off as giving that final push for work might cut into my writing time. If it does, when June does come and if we're not getting cash flow, then finding a job definitely might cut into writing time.
So, life has happened. The unexpected came up again and I'm left trying to plan for something I'm not entirely sure will or will not happen. I could be an optimist and say that with our combined efforts the final push will pay off but small business rearing in this economy, eh, not so much. I could be the pessimist and say that I'm prepared to start looking for a new job in June but the reality is that I'm not. I don't do well with change.
I really don't like not being able to plan for the future. I don't like that the plans I did have for my writing year have gone awry. I don't like a lot of things that have happened the past decade or so of my life but like always I'll have to deal. I'm kind of sick of dealing but hey, crap happens. We wipe it up and move on.
The thing is though that no matter what happens I'll always be a writer. It's the one constant that will not change and really, it's the only thing keeping me sane. But even that hasn't helped all that much.
This month has been exceptionally tough as I haven't been writing as much as I normally do (I like to take a month off in December) and I found out the above news last week. I'm conflicted on the news because it means I can finally leave without feeling guilty but again: I love it there. Normally I bury myself in a writing hole but I just can't this month.
I want to but I don't want to. It's weird, I know but I never said I was in any way normal. The news is kind of sitting in the back of my head and I can't think of doing anything beyond June. I know when I meet up with my one friend tomorrow it won't be a fun meeting. I'll be talking about this and how we can't go on vacation this year or to the convention we normally go to. It sucks, it really does.
And when I meet up with my other friend I'll have to give some form of explanation to her about why I don't want to go on vacation (or do other things that require money) this year and it'll suck worse because she won't exactly be supportive of it. It's complicated. Then if we do close shop in June I'll have to explain to my family and that'll be another mess. I'm looking forward to start Milwordy but I'm wishing I could stay stuck in 2013 so I won't have to deal with this.
But, we deal. That's what we have to do to go on right? Either that or give up and I'm not the giving up type of person. I mean I've been self-pubbed for four years, haven't broken even or come close to it and yet I still write. That's either tenacity or stupidity and I'd like to think I'm not stupid.
Anyway, writing will always be therapeutic for me so getting all of this out has kind of helped. At least for now.
Until next time: Comments, questions, rants, rage and everything in between can be directed to the comments.
I work for a start up company. There are four of us trying to get these products that are really awesome into the world. I've been doing it for about six years now and haven't been paid for it in over a year.
Now you're thinking: Renna, why don't you just quit? Well, that would be the easy way out and I'm a stubborn git. I haven't quit because despite hating driving myself deeper into debt: I love my job, my boss has become a father figure to me, and I believe in the products. I believe that they're great and if someone would just take a damned well chance on them we could make improvements to the markets the products are in.
With that being said: the company can't keep going the way it's going and we've decided that if we can't make it by June then we're shutting it down. My boss is in no way a quitter and he didn't even want to give it up but his wife is right: we can't keep going the way we're going.
Which means if we don't make it by June I'll have to start looking for real work. If you clicked on the link in the first paragraph you'll have seen that my goal for this year was to write two books a month, finishing my crime fiction series in June. I'm not 100% sure if I can pull it off as giving that final push for work might cut into my writing time. If it does, when June does come and if we're not getting cash flow, then finding a job definitely might cut into writing time.
So, life has happened. The unexpected came up again and I'm left trying to plan for something I'm not entirely sure will or will not happen. I could be an optimist and say that with our combined efforts the final push will pay off but small business rearing in this economy, eh, not so much. I could be the pessimist and say that I'm prepared to start looking for a new job in June but the reality is that I'm not. I don't do well with change.
I really don't like not being able to plan for the future. I don't like that the plans I did have for my writing year have gone awry. I don't like a lot of things that have happened the past decade or so of my life but like always I'll have to deal. I'm kind of sick of dealing but hey, crap happens. We wipe it up and move on.
The thing is though that no matter what happens I'll always be a writer. It's the one constant that will not change and really, it's the only thing keeping me sane. But even that hasn't helped all that much.
This month has been exceptionally tough as I haven't been writing as much as I normally do (I like to take a month off in December) and I found out the above news last week. I'm conflicted on the news because it means I can finally leave without feeling guilty but again: I love it there. Normally I bury myself in a writing hole but I just can't this month.
I want to but I don't want to. It's weird, I know but I never said I was in any way normal. The news is kind of sitting in the back of my head and I can't think of doing anything beyond June. I know when I meet up with my one friend tomorrow it won't be a fun meeting. I'll be talking about this and how we can't go on vacation this year or to the convention we normally go to. It sucks, it really does.
And when I meet up with my other friend I'll have to give some form of explanation to her about why I don't want to go on vacation (or do other things that require money) this year and it'll suck worse because she won't exactly be supportive of it. It's complicated. Then if we do close shop in June I'll have to explain to my family and that'll be another mess. I'm looking forward to start Milwordy but I'm wishing I could stay stuck in 2013 so I won't have to deal with this.
But, we deal. That's what we have to do to go on right? Either that or give up and I'm not the giving up type of person. I mean I've been self-pubbed for four years, haven't broken even or come close to it and yet I still write. That's either tenacity or stupidity and I'd like to think I'm not stupid.
Anyway, writing will always be therapeutic for me so getting all of this out has kind of helped. At least for now.
Until next time: Comments, questions, rants, rage and everything in between can be directed to the comments.
Friday, August 16, 2013
We Interrupt your regularly scheduled program...
This spot SHOULD be filled with another Novel Series, number 8 to be exact. That's the one about the aliens taking over earth with the Hunger Games theme if anyone's been paying attention. Obviously, this isn't Novel Series #8. It's not even a random rant about writing.
To be honest, brutally honest: I'm not sure what it is either. All I know is that I've had a really rough week and I had some kind of weird mental break yesterday. Not that there are normal mental breaks, but yeah.
Basically I started crying around 7:30AM yesterday, got calmed down enough so an hour later I could call in "sick." I burst out into tears on the phone with my boss' wife and couldn't form a full sentence. All she got was "I can't come in and I probably won't make it tomorrow either" in a bunch of choppy and incomplete sentences.
Then I hung up and texted her that I was under a lot of stress and I couldn't make it in because of it. She texted back an 8 page response about understanding, hoping I could make it through this, understanding if I wanted to leave the company and what not that I can't look at without tearing up again.
So here I am, Friday night, writing this blog post instead of working on one of the last chapters of my WIP. Why? Well, writing is what I do best. It's how I communicate best and the best way to kick this mental break out of my way is to write about it.
Why did I break? I mean, I can't possibly under stress right? I always seem so happy and my friends/coworkers/people I talk to would have never imagined me cracking like that. I am Sheera and Xena all rolled into one. I AM WOMAN! ROAR! *coughcoughsputtersob*
Moving on.
The company I work for is a start-up company. Read: I AM NOT GETTING PAID for being there. Why am I still there? Because we are this close to getting over the stupid hump, I believe in the project, my boss is like my father (since mine, you know, died about a decade ago), his wife is like my mother (who died a bit ago too) and I'm their adopted daughter. Besides all that, I can sit on a computer all day WRITING. No, it's not stuff I have an interest in but I still get to research and write about what I find which I LOVE DOING.
Soon I'll even be in a management position and if I play my cards right, I might take over the company when my boss finally retires. Not bad for someone under thirty, right?
Well, the fact that I haven't been paid in a long time is taking its toll. I'm surviving on lines of credit and credit cards and I'm about 40K in debt right now with no foreseeable way back out at the moment. Only one of my friends knows that I'm not getting paid because I'm too damned embarrassed to admit how foolish I am in not telling my family. Plus they would rather see me working a job I hate and getting paid then working for a company I might manage if I could just wait another...three months? six months? Year? Yeah: there are no guarantees.
Adding to money woes I'm pretty sure I haven't yet mourned properly for the death of my parents. Boo-hoo, I'm an orphan. Hey, I'm millions of dollars away from being Batwoman. HA!
Anyway, when my dad died I had to be the rock for my mom. I couldn't show my sadness because she wouldn't be able to take it. When my mom died, I had to be there for other family members and again couldn't show my emotion or they'd all fail. I guess I just got emotionally tired of being other people's rock.
Then there's the whole "not telling anyone I'm having money issues" and you know, paying bills, planning to go on a trip in December, buying presents for kid's (not mine, thank God) birthdays, maintaining the house, etc all.
And there's the whole issue of me sucking at promoting and get this: not being able to pay for someone to promote for me and not being able to figure out what I'm doing wrong. Oh and there's the whole need money to edit to get books out there but um, yeah, what money? Oh and let's not forget that in order to SELL a book I have to have MONEY so it can be successful and finance me so I don't freak out.
To those who think they can live without cash: FREAKING TRY ME. Seriously. Money makes the world go 'round and you don't understand this in full until you're wondering if you should pay your electricity bill or buy food besides instant noodles. Which are really unhealthy and is adding to the stress of me trying to lose weight so I don't have to take pills to keep my insulin level normal.
Yeah, I have health problems atop of all my money woes, people dying/getting sick around me woes, house woes, book woes, being everyone else's therapist (not that I would take that back, I don't mind really) and yeah. The good news is: I'm only a little choked up writing this. The bad news: read above. *winks*
Now, there is no quick fix for the money problems and I'm going to have to pull my big-girl panties back on and either quit the job I love to find one I hate, find a part-time REAL online job (someone point me there, please) or just freaking deal and wait.
I have found one avenue of funds but I'm pretty sure everyone I know would look at me funny for even considering but hey, it looks legit (I've seen tons of scams so I know) and it's good money for simply talking to people. I'm seriously considering it and will probably sign up tomorrow. Go Internet.
I think I'm done now. So, tell me your problems folks. I'll psycho-analyze them (I do have a few courses under my belt in that field ya know) and I'll be your rock. Then you can be mine and we can have this awesome cry fest then kick the crap out of whatever is keeping us down together.
Until next time: La-de-dum, by my stuff so I don't go completely nuts again. *winks*
To be honest, brutally honest: I'm not sure what it is either. All I know is that I've had a really rough week and I had some kind of weird mental break yesterday. Not that there are normal mental breaks, but yeah.
Basically I started crying around 7:30AM yesterday, got calmed down enough so an hour later I could call in "sick." I burst out into tears on the phone with my boss' wife and couldn't form a full sentence. All she got was "I can't come in and I probably won't make it tomorrow either" in a bunch of choppy and incomplete sentences.
Then I hung up and texted her that I was under a lot of stress and I couldn't make it in because of it. She texted back an 8 page response about understanding, hoping I could make it through this, understanding if I wanted to leave the company and what not that I can't look at without tearing up again.
So here I am, Friday night, writing this blog post instead of working on one of the last chapters of my WIP. Why? Well, writing is what I do best. It's how I communicate best and the best way to kick this mental break out of my way is to write about it.
Why did I break? I mean, I can't possibly under stress right? I always seem so happy and my friends/coworkers/people I talk to would have never imagined me cracking like that. I am Sheera and Xena all rolled into one. I AM WOMAN! ROAR! *coughcoughsputtersob*
Moving on.
The company I work for is a start-up company. Read: I AM NOT GETTING PAID for being there. Why am I still there? Because we are this close to getting over the stupid hump, I believe in the project, my boss is like my father (since mine, you know, died about a decade ago), his wife is like my mother (who died a bit ago too) and I'm their adopted daughter. Besides all that, I can sit on a computer all day WRITING. No, it's not stuff I have an interest in but I still get to research and write about what I find which I LOVE DOING.
Soon I'll even be in a management position and if I play my cards right, I might take over the company when my boss finally retires. Not bad for someone under thirty, right?
Well, the fact that I haven't been paid in a long time is taking its toll. I'm surviving on lines of credit and credit cards and I'm about 40K in debt right now with no foreseeable way back out at the moment. Only one of my friends knows that I'm not getting paid because I'm too damned embarrassed to admit how foolish I am in not telling my family. Plus they would rather see me working a job I hate and getting paid then working for a company I might manage if I could just wait another...three months? six months? Year? Yeah: there are no guarantees.
Adding to money woes I'm pretty sure I haven't yet mourned properly for the death of my parents. Boo-hoo, I'm an orphan. Hey, I'm millions of dollars away from being Batwoman. HA!
Anyway, when my dad died I had to be the rock for my mom. I couldn't show my sadness because she wouldn't be able to take it. When my mom died, I had to be there for other family members and again couldn't show my emotion or they'd all fail. I guess I just got emotionally tired of being other people's rock.
Then there's the whole "not telling anyone I'm having money issues" and you know, paying bills, planning to go on a trip in December, buying presents for kid's (not mine, thank God) birthdays, maintaining the house, etc all.
And there's the whole issue of me sucking at promoting and get this: not being able to pay for someone to promote for me and not being able to figure out what I'm doing wrong. Oh and there's the whole need money to edit to get books out there but um, yeah, what money? Oh and let's not forget that in order to SELL a book I have to have MONEY so it can be successful and finance me so I don't freak out.
To those who think they can live without cash: FREAKING TRY ME. Seriously. Money makes the world go 'round and you don't understand this in full until you're wondering if you should pay your electricity bill or buy food besides instant noodles. Which are really unhealthy and is adding to the stress of me trying to lose weight so I don't have to take pills to keep my insulin level normal.
Yeah, I have health problems atop of all my money woes, people dying/getting sick around me woes, house woes, book woes, being everyone else's therapist (not that I would take that back, I don't mind really) and yeah. The good news is: I'm only a little choked up writing this. The bad news: read above. *winks*
Now, there is no quick fix for the money problems and I'm going to have to pull my big-girl panties back on and either quit the job I love to find one I hate, find a part-time REAL online job (someone point me there, please) or just freaking deal and wait.
I have found one avenue of funds but I'm pretty sure everyone I know would look at me funny for even considering but hey, it looks legit (I've seen tons of scams so I know) and it's good money for simply talking to people. I'm seriously considering it and will probably sign up tomorrow. Go Internet.
I think I'm done now. So, tell me your problems folks. I'll psycho-analyze them (I do have a few courses under my belt in that field ya know) and I'll be your rock. Then you can be mine and we can have this awesome cry fest then kick the crap out of whatever is keeping us down together.
Until next time: La-de-dum, by my stuff so I don't go completely nuts again. *winks*
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