Thursday, December 26, 2013

Is it June yet?

So I had this plan, see. It consisted of writing 14 novels in 2014 to go along with the 13 novels I wrote in 2013. Details here of course. But as some of us might know life doesn't always go as planned.

I work for a start up company. There are four of us trying to get these products that are really awesome into the world. I've been doing it for about six years now and haven't been paid for it in over a year.

Now you're thinking: Renna, why don't you just quit? Well, that would be the easy way out and I'm a stubborn git. I haven't quit because despite hating driving myself deeper into debt: I love my job, my boss has become a father figure to me, and I believe in the products. I believe that they're great and if someone would just take a damned well chance on them we could make improvements to the markets the products are in.

With that being said: the company can't keep going the way it's going and we've decided that if we can't make it by June then we're shutting it down. My boss is in no way a quitter and he didn't even want to give it up but his wife is right: we can't keep going the way we're going.

Which means if we don't make it by June I'll have to start looking for real work. If you clicked on the link in the first paragraph you'll have seen that my goal for this year was to write two books a month, finishing my crime fiction series in June. I'm not 100% sure if I can pull it off as giving that final push for work might cut into my writing time. If it does, when June does come and if we're not getting cash flow, then finding a job definitely might cut into writing time.

So, life has happened. The unexpected came up again and I'm left trying to plan for something I'm not entirely sure will or will not happen. I could be an optimist and say that with our combined efforts the final push will pay off but small business rearing in this economy, eh, not so much. I could be the pessimist and say that I'm prepared to start looking for a new job in June but the reality is that I'm not. I don't do well with change.

I really don't like not being able to plan for the future. I don't like that the plans I did have for my writing year have gone awry. I don't like a lot of things that have happened the past decade or so of my life but like always I'll have to deal. I'm kind of sick of dealing but hey, crap happens. We wipe it up and move on.

The thing is though that no matter what happens I'll always be a writer. It's the one constant that will not change and really, it's the only thing keeping me sane. But even that hasn't helped all that much.

This month has been exceptionally tough as I haven't been writing as much as I normally do (I like to take a month off in December) and I found out the above news last week. I'm conflicted on the news because it means I can finally leave without feeling guilty but again: I love it there. Normally I bury myself in a writing hole but I just can't this month.

I want to but I don't want to. It's weird, I know but I never said I was in any way normal. The news is kind of sitting in the back of my head and I can't think of doing anything beyond June. I know when I meet up with my one friend tomorrow it won't be a fun meeting. I'll be talking about this and how we can't go on vacation this year or to the convention we normally go to. It sucks, it really does.

And when I meet up with my other friend I'll have to give some form of explanation to her about why I don't want to go on vacation (or do other things that require money) this year and it'll suck worse because she won't exactly be supportive of it. It's complicated. Then if we do close shop in June I'll have to explain to my family and that'll be another mess. I'm looking forward to start Milwordy but I'm wishing I could stay stuck in 2013 so I won't have to deal with this.

But, we deal. That's what we have to do to go on right? Either that or give up and I'm not the giving up type of person. I mean I've been self-pubbed for four years, haven't broken even or come close to it and yet I still write. That's either tenacity or stupidity and I'd like to think I'm not stupid.

Anyway, writing will always be therapeutic for me so getting all of this out has kind of helped. At least for now.

Until next time: Comments, questions, rants, rage and everything in between can be directed to the comments.

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