Writing While Female

If you don't know by now a lot of what I write (including for this blog) is inspired by real life. Considering what most of my topics are this can be a bit scary. Anyway, on June 4 there was a hashtag trending that caught my interest. The hashtag? #WritingWhileFemale.
My contribution to this hashtag is shown in the image.

Nine re-tweets and fourteen favorites is a freaking lot for me. I don't get that kind of traction on any of my tweets (except the Stephen King quote about Kindles vs. books) so it was kind of nice to see. No one commented except for one guy and it was a simple comment "Not for most of history."

And he's right. Women have not written about dragons, bloody battles, magic, murder, and mayhem. Typically it's been thought women only write romance and erotica. But this is a new age. J.K Rowling wrote Harry Potter where all of the above is featured. Ursula Le Guin? Same. Anne Rice wrote the vampire chronicles. Karin Slaughter has 13 (or more) books that are categorized as mystery fiction. Tanith Lee was recognized as a science fiction and horror author. Susan Collins and the Hunger Games.

Before I continue I would like to make one thing perfect clear: I am not a feminist. I am an equalist. What does that mean? I want everyone, male, female, black, white, Asian, Muslim, Jewish, Catholic, gay, straight, transgender and everything in between to have the same rights and opportunities as anyone else. I believe what defines you is your personality and your morals, not the color of your skin, your gender, sexuality, race, or religion. All those traits make who you are physically and can shape your personality, yes, but what's important is your morals and your skills.

Moving onto our original topic of "Writing While Female:"

The problem is society's view of female authors is we do, in fact, ONLY write romance. The worst part is some women have gone so far as to reduce their feminine first names to nothing but an initial so they can be picked up by male readers. Males will go into a store, see a female author's name and think about the book making a good gift for the women in their life.

I don't pay attention to the name on the cover of a book but yes, most of the books I've read have been written by men. Why? Because males sell more books and many female authors who want to be taken seriously in the field take on a male pen name to sell more books. We all know the story of J.K Rowling being told to use her initials instead of her first name to appeal to male readers. We know Nora Roberts became JD Robb to release her true crime series. And again Rowling used a male pen name to release more "serious" fiction.

This is why Writing While Female is so important. Female writers, even today, do not get the same respect as male authors. Males are reviewed more, they're published more, and their male names are seen as a sign the book will be good. Society still thinks women can't write any serious literature, that we're good for writing fluff.

It's insulting. The fact that in order for me to be seen as a "good" author I have to become D. VonRavenstone is a slap in the face. Yes, I am female. Yes, I write about magic, dragons, blood, mayhem, and misery. Yes, I collect swords, bones, and wear a lot of black. Yes, I have an odd fascination with death and the world ending. Yes, I watch horror movies. NO. I do not watch nor do I focus on romance all the time. I often roll my eyes when a romantic subplot makes itself known in any novel or movie.

I don't want kids. I'm not concerned about finding a husband. I mow my own lawn, wash my own car, and open my own jars. I sometimes play with spiders before I kill them and occasionally set them free. I strongly dislike both Twilight and 50 Shades of Gray. I do not go into the romance section of any store. I hate the color pink.

So why is it my double X chromosome dictates I can only write fluffy romance? Why is it no one bats an eye when a male author writes romance but everyone flips their s*** when a female author makes it big in a non-romantic genre? Why are we still living in the 1950s?

Until next time: thoughts, comments, questions, rants, rage, and out-right insults can be directed to the comments.

I have issues, no really

I know everyone says they have issues but I've been officially diagnosed with issues. My issues happen to be so severe that I get to take a month off work so the medication they gave me can kick in and so I don't freak out and jump off a bridge. No, really.

Yesterday I tried to go into work. Note, the tried. I got up, ate breakfast, brushed my cat (it's our morning ritual now), chilled for a bit, got dressed, and headed out. I made it to the parking lot and was parking my car when I hit the breaks, burst into tears then took off.

Where did I take off to? The cemetery where my parents are entombed. I sat with them for about two hours until I got hungry. Cemetery bathrooms are gross by the way. Anyway, I headed down to the shopping mall for food and promptly went to my doctor's office. Why? Because on my way back home I wanted to drive my car off a bridge.

Why? To be honest, I'm not entirely sure. I've always had darker thoughts and most of the time I can translate them into my writing and everything's good. It hasn't been working for a few years now but most of the time I can take a day off, cry it all out, and be done with till the next time I kind of cracked. This time, I broke. I couldn't fix it on my own.

My doctor referred me to the urgent care area in the hospital. I got to talk to an RN who specialized in mental issues about everything that's bugging me. No I'm not going to go into detail here mainly because it will reveal things about my location and my family life that I don't want to delve into for personal reasons.

The basics is I'm exceptionally unhappy with my life in general. I don't sleep well. I'm not enthused about anything (even writing) anymore. I hate my job. I hate the way my life has ended up. I hate myself. I want to go to sleep and not have to wake up to face the shit-hole that has become my life.

This is not where I wanted to be at this point in time. I had everything (or at least most of it) planned out. I had a way to get there. Then the train came off the track and I had no idea how to get it on the right path again. I still don't know how to get everything where it's supposed to go.

I think most of it comes from this cloud hanging over me, that has been hanging over me, for the better part of a decade. I don't think I'm worth it so I kind of hide out in this little corner and hang on the fringes of life. I don't want to cling to scraps anymore. I want to get out there and have a life, including marketing and publishing my novels but I don't feel like I'm good enough. I feel useless. I feel inadequate. There's no point in trying because it's not going to work anyway. I never have enough money and I'm so deep in debt I don't feel like I'll ever get back out.

So the RN got the emergency doctor to talk to me just to make sure I wasn't actually going to drive off a bridge or take a bottle of pills. I wasn't. I obviously didn't. The psychiatrist then spoke to me and prescribed me a month off work and two different kin of pills. One is a general anti-depressant/relaxant that I take every day and the other is a take-as-needed relaxant. I also got a few sheets of papers for referrals to grief counselling as well as therapists I can talk to. On Monday someone's going to be calling so they can make arrangements to come check on me through the month.

Thankfully the pills weren't too expensive because I had to pay for them out of pocket since my medical didn't kick in yet at work. Yes, even though I'm in Canada I still have to pay for my medication if I have no benefits through work. OHIP does cover some stuff but not this. Yes I do get a reduced rate (I'm sure) because I'm on a sort of benefit through the government but the pills were not free.

Anyway, I took the first one today. I know they say the pills aren't supposed to be working right away (about 3-5 weeks) but I don't feel like bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. I don't feel like ending it. I actually made a necklace today which I haven't done in months. I also felt disconnected. Kind of like I'm wasn't fully attached to my body. To be honest I think I was a little high. That feeling's gone now but man it was strong this morning. Right now I want to take a nap. And my mouth/throat has been really dry all day.

Oddly enough I feel like I could handle working. Do I want to go back? Nope. You can bet your life I'll be using at least part of this month to find a different job. The other part will be spent on novel writing, jewellery making, advertising Avalora, and reading.

I know I had a month off in January but it wasn't really a month off. I was freaking out about finding a job, worrying about training for the job I did get, and generally panicking about every little thing. Now? Eh, not so much.

Yes I'm still worried about money but it's at the back of my head. I know I have something coming to me Friday and I might not get sick leave benefits right away but I'll get something. I still have a job when I go back after a month. There are other issues and concerns which were bugging me (and still have the potential to bother me) but again: not an issue.

The concerns still need to be addressed of course but they aren't a horrifying monster that's going to bite my head off. They're more a bug I have to gather the courage to crush.

Until next time: thoughts, comments, rage, rants, questions, and out-right insults can be directed to the comments.

We Are All People

I mentioned sometime last year (Nov 21, 2014...I checked my Tweets) I would eventually write a blog post that gives a bit of insight as to why I write some of the characters I write. More specifically: "One day I will explain why I support LGBTQ folks and why I have so many characters who are LGBTQ. It will be a blog because 140 characters (on Twitter) isn't long enough." Oh hey, this is the day.

For those who are new here or don't pay a lot of attention to my Twitter/this blog or for those who don't check out the novel series tab to see what the heck I do: I write A LOT. In most of my novels I have a non-cis or non-binary character. Only two novels in the 42 (as of Jan 2015) I've written DO NOT include someone from the LGBTQ community. This means the other 40 novels have a character who is in said community.

Who are these characters? I made a list:

• Xeros, Drake, Zahnee, Zanrah, Denxen, Kien, Adara, Vesgha, Ekard, from Cara: attracted to the same gender.
• Raven, Havoc, Gold: Bonehemmer Princess and Harmonizer: attracted to the same gender
• Shawn, Ice, Derrick, Ray: Seer and Seeker: attracted to the same gender
• Jayden/Jordan: Changed: transgender
• Andre, Gary: Chosen Ones of the Forbidden Object: attracted to the same gender
• Star Von Vette, Jammer: Model: attracted to the same gender, Star is also considered "androgynous" and dresses in women's clothing even though he's a he. No, Star is not transgender and does not wish to become a female. He likes being male and likes dressing as a woman all of the time.
• Glitch, Dylan: Lies: Glitch is a gay cyborg and Dylan's an ambiromantic asexual
• Archard, Noam: Warriors Eight: attracted to the same gender
• David: Protectors: Attracted to the same gender
• Drew: Testing Grounds: attracted to same gender and cross-dresses
• Samuel, Greg: Glory Hole Series: married to each other
• Rowan: Burnt: the Story of the Fire King: male to female transgender who transitions as a point of view character over the course of the novel.
• Lucy McGregor, Anne, various minor characters: Thriller/Mystery Series: attracted to the same gender, female to male transgender (minor character of note), cross-dressers, and various others.
• Blair, Tim: Mists of Time Series: Blair is bi-gender and Tim is bi-sexual.
• Angelus: Tale of the Twins Trilogy: attracted to the same gender
• Kiyvn and Derke: Trees of Life: attracted to the same gender
• Garrick: Heroes Dilemma: attracted to the same gender

This list doesn't include the various short stories or any of the novels I have planned in which a character's gender identification or sexuality isn't known yet. Now. Why do I write so many characters who are part of a non-binary or non-cis sexuality or gender?

The simple answer? I am under the firm belief everyone who is alive today no matter what their identity, race, color, etc deserves to be represented in fiction.

The complicated answer? There aren't enough works of fiction (RE: novels) featuring LGBTQ or even People of Color as characters in a predominate, meaningful role other than the token gay/black/lesbian/PC character. See all those characters listed above? Without them there would be no story. They each have an important role to play and in most of the stories they are the main character.

Why? Because everyone deserves to be represented and it bothers the HELL out of me when a character is included in a novel, in a minor role that serves no purpose, and the author makes a big deal about them being gay or lesbian or whatever because "O-M-G, I'M BEING INCLUSIVE!" It bugs the HELL out of me a popular author didn't mention the sexuality of a popular, well-loved character until SOMEONE ASKED and the books were over and done with.

I'm not saying you have to scream your character's sexuality/gender preferences from the mountain tops but there should be obvious clues as to who/what the character prefers or doesn't. And yes, we do need more LGBTQ main characters so issues like the Leelah Alcorn case don't happen again.

If people understand what certain groups go through for simply being themselves then maybe there wouldn't be so much hatred in this world. Maybe if there were more authors willing to write about a real, normal (whatever that means) transgender woman (or gay person, or black person, or any other "non-normal" person) in fiction there wouldn't be so many transgender (etc) suicides going on and perhaps there would be a little more tolerance in the world.

I'm not saying you have to be best friends with everyone and everything can be all kittens, puppies, and rainbows. I am saying everyone deserves the same level of respect no matter what their skin color, gender, sexuality, religion, or what have you.

In order to get to some semblance of respect people have to see that no matter what a person's skin color, gender, or sexuality is the person is STILL A PERSON. They have the same wants, needs, and feelings as everyone else and they deserve to be represented and respected like everyone else.

Maybe I'm being optimistic but I think if I represent everyone as well as I can in my novels and people see these "non-normal" people as normal then maybe, just maybe, I can change someone's mind. Maybe I can bring a little more acceptance into the world. Maybe I can make a difference.

So, why do I have so many LGBTQ characters? Because everyone deserves a little love, respect, and acceptance.

Until next time: rants, rage, out-right insults, comments, questions and everything in between can be directed to the comments.

Thick Skin

First off I'd like to apologize for randomly wandering off for a month. I tend to get involved in things like writing, self-loathing, work, depression, and life in general. I can't even say I've been working on the rest of the 2014 "Novel Series" posts because I haven't. I've got one almost ready which is book two for the year and I'm up to five books for this year.

Second I'd like to say that I've probably been suffering with some form of depression for the past ten years (or more) and sometimes it's really hard to cope with it. I can come off as okay and happy on small things like Twitter or NaNo Forum posts but most days I feel like crap. I don't want to get out of bed or when I go to sleep I wish that I won't wake up. The only way I deal with it is by writing a novel and immersing myself in a character's life because most of the time it's about as crappy (or more so) than mine.

This depression was brought on by a lot of things that I don't feel like getting into right now but one is important to this post. So, away we go.

For those of you that don't know: if you want to be a writer you have to have a thick skin. I don't have a thick skin. It's probably part of the reason I don't promote so much because I'm afraid of what people are going to think. I know that if someone thinks badly of my work that I'll start hating it myself and then I'll stop writing.

That's exactly what happened tonight. A friend asked how I was doing in the writing front so I did what I probably shouldn't do: I Googled my name. To be honest, there were a lot of good things coming up. But I found a review for one of my books that simply said "Don't bother." Never mind the same book had a "not bad" review on it. It's the "don't bother" that stings.

Now, I understand that I can't please everyone. I also understand that the book in question is four years old. I'd like to think that my writing style has improved since then. I also understand the concept behind having a thick skin.

That doesn't mean a comment like that, two (or three) simple words, doesn't sting. It hurts. It made me stop writing in the middle of chapter tonight because I thought: "Well why bother?" Then I started thinking about how even after four years and a month that I haven't made the money I spent on my books back. I started re-evaluating my whole thought process on being a writer in general: "why bother with it?" "you know no one's going to read this," "there are people out there better than you," "you don't deserve to be a writer," "you have no future," and etc.

It's a whole downward spiral that I think I'm coming out of. It would be the quickest I ever came out of one, that's for sure but it's a good thing. It means I'm developing that thick skin and not taking a bad comment to heart. I'm not bursting into tears over it and I'm not feeling like I should delete everything and never speak of this again.

No, instead I'm thinking "well, he didn't like it. Hm, why? Let's go read it. It's not that bad. Yeah, it can be improved here, and here. Okay, so he doesn't like my writing. Big deal." Other people have liked it, well, thought it was okay. I'm good with okay because if it was okay four years ago, my writing is better than okay now. Rule of averages and all that.

What I'm trying to say is that for every bad comment there are probably at least four or five that aren't so bad. If you're lucky there's only one bad comment in a hundred. But that one bad comment will be the death of you if you let it. So don't let it. I know it's hard but hey, so long as your writing pleases you and you're happy with it, who cares?

Oh, and so you know: I didn't make it to Round Two in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest. I also haven't submitted a damned thing because (if you hadn't noticed) I take rejection pretty horribly. That and I'm still on the fence about the debate of self-publishing (as unsuccessful as it's been for me) and traditional publishing. It's part of that whole self-loathing thing that only goes away when I'm putting my characters through some trial or another.

Until next time: comments, questions, rage, rants and everything in between can be directed to the comments.

Childless by Choice

So as I was eating dinner tonight (it's where I get my best thoughts, I swear) I said to myself: "Wow, it's great eating as a single person. I can eat what I want, when I want and not have to worry about someone complaining about my cooking" which is true. I don't have to worry about the carrots being too hard (it's a salad), the chicken being too spicy (it's Shake n' bake; don't blame me) or being told that I should make more things from scratch (HA!). I can just decide, cook, and eat. If I blow something up or burn it then it's my own fault and the only witness is my cat.

As per normal my mind began to wander. It strode to a conversation I had a while ago with a religious relative who could not understand why I wasn't married with at least one kid by now. Then came the explanation: I don't want to get married or have kids. Of course, that's the wrong thing to say to anyone who's religious and over 50.

But children are God's gift. You can't be alone forever. That would be wrong," etc, etc, etc. Oh poor deluded religious relative of mine: I don't believe in the same things you do. Which is fine. She is entitled to her beliefs and I respect her for believing in them as strongly as she does. But (contrary to popular belief) I am not a horrible woman for not wanting to be married or not wanting kids.

I am simply a woman of the 21st century. We don't have to be stay at home moms, we don't have to get married, we can have careers, we can be successful, and *le gasp* we have choices.

It's not all cut and dry: find your true love, get married, have 1.5 kids, live in the white picket fenced house, and cook all day so when your manly man comes home with the pay check he can eat well. It can be more like: wake up, go to work, come home to your cat, feed said cat and self then write until bedtime.

Is either woman better than the other in those instances? Not really. It's their choice and if they're happy with their choice then it's good enough. Who are we to tell people what they can and cannot do? It's not the right of anyone but the person who's making that choice. Pressures from family, friends, coworkers, and society should not dictate who we are or what choices we make.

My choice is not to pass on my genes. Why should I allow a being that fed off me like a parasite for nine months dictate the rest of my life? Why would I want to give up the freedom of doing what I want, when I want because I have to bend to the needs of a being that's only goal in life is to make me worry? Sorry, that's not for me. BUT KUDOS TO ALL THE PARENTS OUT THERE. You folks are awesome for taking on that responsibility. Me? I'll stick with my cat. Maybe a dog later down the road and a few fish.

Of course, when you pose those two questions to said religious relative the answer is: "It's fulfilling." Bullcrap. Fulfilling is getting to laze around in your pjs all day doing whatever the living heck you want. There is no fulfillment in knowing that a mini-me will be running around until after I die then produce mini-not-me-but-genetically-close-to-mes. Well unless one of them dominates the world. That might prove to be cool. But that is not enough to sway me to produce the mini-me.

Then of course: "What if your parents thought like that?" Well, then I wouldn't really know now would I? I mean I'd still be a body-less soul hanging out with other body-less souls doing whatever souls do before they get a vessel. Don't get me wrong: I'm happy my parents made me and all that but if they hadn't then I wouldn't have known, right?

"But you'll love kids." Uh, no. I barely stand my cousin's kids. Plus, why would I want to bring a little girl into a world that pressures her to look a certain way and act a certain way then makes fun of her if she doesn't? Why would I want to bring a little boy into a world where a boy can't have long hair and God-forbid he act feminine? I can preach that "gender roles don't matter, be yourself, be unique, F the haters, just be you" all I want but that doesn't mean they'll have the strength to listen.

Why do I want to bring any child into a world where despite our best efforts racism, sexism, war, hate, famine, and all that other ugly stuff still reign? And don't forget about the persecution if you're gay, want to be the opposite gender, or don't share any beliefs with the "norm." Our world sucks. I don't want to subject a child to the true suckiness of the world. Why do I want to bring a kid into a world where we're told to be ourselves then are ridiculed for not being normal? Whatever normal is. Has anyone figured that out yet?

"You're over-thinking things." No I'm not. If my hypothetical little boy wants to keep his hair long then you're going to tell me to get his hair cut (and don't lie; I saw how you reacted to a fictional character's little boy's long hair). Then you're going to slyly insult him enough (without coming off as truly insulting unless I say something, which I will)that he'll feel like crap and tell me to get his hair cut. And I'll do it because I want him to be happy, even if he's not happy and he's just conforming to society's belief of what a little boy should look like because he wants to please you and strangers.

And therein lies the problem. I know my kids will be different because I was different. I didn't push the barriers until I was in my later teens and even now I'm not pushing barriers simply because society doesn't want me to. We can all pretend that we'll teach our kids to be themselves and be strong but eventually the need for acceptance from peers (and people in authority besides us) wears them down until they morph into something a tad more acceptable.

There are very few people who can be exactly who they want to be without fear and my genetic dice are not strong enough to produce that type of person. Frankly, I don't want to see my hypothetical spawn hide their true selves like I did for so long and not realize their dreams because of it. Also, I know, deep down, those people who seem to be living exactly as they want without fear have all ready conformed so well that they think they're free. Or they've conformed another way. I don't believe that anyone is truly free from society's rule.

"Well that's just depressing." I know, trust me, I know. But, there is one more point. "What?" Why should I bring another child into the world when one: we're over-populated as it is, and two: there are over 150 million orphans in the world? "150 million?" Yes. One hundred and fifty MILLION. So, ask me again why I'm childless by choice. Go ahead. "*silence*" That's what I thought.

And another thing. "There's more?" Yep. One more thing. "Okay, what?" If I'm going to subject myself to children it'll be one of those orphans. If I'm going to try and raise a kid to survive in this Battle Royal we call life I'm going to make sure it's one of those poor souls who through unfortunate circumstance came into this world without the love and care of their biological parents or who can no longer experience their parents' love. "What's the difference?" Well, I'm not bringing a child into the world, for one which means no over-populating the planet for me. For two, I'm simply helping a kid who's parents checked-out unwillingly. It's the least I can do for the poor kid. "You're strange." I hadn't noticed.

But seriously: I choose not to bring a child into this messed up world for the sake of passing on my genes. I'd rather help, nurture, and protect one of those kids who were brought into the world then dumped into an orphanage for whatever reason. If it ever comes to that which it might not solely because hey, I had fish and salad for dinner tonight without having to consult anyone first.

Until next time: Comments, questions, rants, rage and everything in between can be directed to the comments.