Friday, August 16, 2013

We Interrupt your regularly scheduled program...

This spot SHOULD be filled with another Novel Series, number 8 to be exact. That's the one about the aliens taking over earth with the Hunger Games theme if anyone's been paying attention. Obviously, this isn't Novel Series #8. It's not even a random rant about writing.

To be honest, brutally honest: I'm not sure what it is either. All I know is that I've had a really rough week and I had some kind of weird mental break yesterday. Not that there are normal mental breaks, but yeah.

Basically I started crying around 7:30AM yesterday, got calmed down enough so an hour later I could call in "sick." I burst out into tears on the phone with my boss' wife and couldn't form a full sentence. All she got was "I can't come in and I probably won't make it tomorrow either" in a bunch of choppy and incomplete sentences.

Then I hung up and texted her that I was under a lot of stress and I couldn't make it in because of it. She texted back an 8 page response about understanding, hoping I could make it through this, understanding if I wanted to leave the company and what not that I can't look at without tearing up again.

So here I am, Friday night, writing this blog post instead of working on one of the last chapters of my WIP. Why? Well, writing is what I do best. It's how I communicate best and the best way to kick this mental break out of my way is to write about it.

Why did I break? I mean, I can't possibly under stress right? I always seem so happy and my friends/coworkers/people I talk to would have never imagined me cracking like that. I am Sheera and Xena all rolled into one. I AM WOMAN! ROAR! *coughcoughsputtersob*

Moving on.

The company I work for is a start-up company. Read: I AM NOT GETTING PAID for being there. Why am I still there? Because we are this close to getting over the stupid hump, I believe in the project, my boss is like my father (since mine, you know, died about a decade ago), his wife is like my mother (who died a bit ago too) and I'm their adopted daughter. Besides all that, I can sit on a computer all day WRITING. No, it's not stuff I have an interest in but I still get to research and write about what I find which I LOVE DOING.

Soon I'll even be in a management position and if I play my cards right, I might take over the company when my boss finally retires. Not bad for someone under thirty, right?

Well, the fact that I haven't been paid in a long time is taking its toll. I'm surviving on lines of credit and credit cards and I'm about 40K in debt right now with no foreseeable way back out at the moment. Only one of my friends knows that I'm not getting paid because I'm too damned embarrassed to admit how foolish I am in not telling my family. Plus they would rather see me working a job I hate and getting paid then working for a company I might manage if I could just wait another...three months? six months? Year? Yeah: there are no guarantees.

Adding to money woes I'm pretty sure I haven't yet mourned properly for the death of my parents. Boo-hoo, I'm an orphan. Hey, I'm millions of dollars away from being Batwoman. HA!

Anyway, when my dad died I had to be the rock for my mom. I couldn't show my sadness because she wouldn't be able to take it. When my mom died, I had to be there for other family members and again couldn't show my emotion or they'd all fail. I guess I just got emotionally tired of being other people's rock.

Then there's the whole "not telling anyone I'm having money issues" and you know, paying bills, planning to go on a trip in December, buying presents for kid's (not mine, thank God) birthdays, maintaining the house, etc all.

And there's the whole issue of me sucking at promoting and get this: not being able to pay for someone to promote for me and not being able to figure out what I'm doing wrong. Oh and there's the whole need money to edit to get books out there but um, yeah, what money? Oh and let's not forget that in order to SELL a book I have to have MONEY so it can be successful and finance me so I don't freak out.

To those who think they can live without cash: FREAKING TRY ME. Seriously. Money makes the world go 'round and you don't understand this in full until you're wondering if you should pay your electricity bill or buy food besides instant noodles. Which are really unhealthy and is adding to the stress of me trying to lose weight so I don't have to take pills to keep my insulin level normal.

Yeah, I have health problems atop of all my money woes, people dying/getting sick around me woes, house woes, book woes, being everyone else's therapist (not that I would take that back, I don't mind really) and yeah. The good news is: I'm only a little choked up writing this. The bad news: read above. *winks*

Now, there is no quick fix for the money problems and I'm going to have to pull my big-girl panties back on and either quit the job I love to find one I hate, find a part-time REAL online job (someone point me there, please) or just freaking deal and wait.

I have found one avenue of funds but I'm pretty sure everyone I know would look at me funny for even considering but hey, it looks legit (I've seen tons of scams so I know) and it's good money for simply talking to people. I'm seriously considering it and will probably sign up tomorrow. Go Internet.

I think I'm done now. So, tell me your problems folks. I'll psycho-analyze them (I do have a few courses under my belt in that field ya know) and I'll be your rock. Then you can be mine and we can have this awesome cry fest then kick the crap out of whatever is keeping us down together.

Until next time: La-de-dum, by my stuff so I don't go completely nuts again. *winks*

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