Fear

Fear is an interesting thing. It can make you do a lot of different things depending on the situation and who you are as a person. Fear motivates people in ways other people never expect. There's a lot of different things for different people to fear at different times. It's a complex emotion (hey, what isn't?) and as a writer I've explored it. I've studied fear in my characters and of course, I've studied it in myself.

For those of you reading this that follow my Twitter account,you'll notice that for the past two days I haven't been writing. For those of you who have no idea who I am: that's REALLY weird for me. Well, unless I've finished a project or National Novel Writing Month is over. I've not finished a project and NaNo isn't until November.

So, why did I stop writing? Am I suffering from writer's block? I don't believe in writer's block. Am I having problems with my Inner Editor? My Inner Editor is my Muse and we rarely have issues. Am I stuck in my current plot? Not really. So, again, why did I stop writing?

I'm afraid.

That's right. I'm afraid. Of what? Well, a lot of things. I'm afraid of midnight, mirrors after midnight, oh, right, writing. Sorry. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of not being good enough. I'm scared to SHIT of what I'm planning to do next month so I'm procrastinating this month.

What is it that's making me so afraid?

Well, you see, I've been an official self-published author since March 2010. Yeah, four years. I've not even come close to seeing my return on anything. I actually hate the only novel I have available right now and all my anthologies are unedited.

I'm also working as essentially an unpaid intern and have been for about the same amount of time as I've been self-published. For clarification: I've not had a paycheck in over four years. I've been surviving off lines of credit, credit cards, and inheritance. Not fun, I'll tell you that much.

What does that have to do with my fear of what's going to happen next month? Simple. At the beginning of this year I made it one of my goals to publish something. Next month, I'm going to start the beginning phases of completing that goal.

My plan is to start some kind of funding campaign (kickstarter, gofundme, gofundle, pick one dang it) and raise enough funds to edit, get a cover (if I can't make a decent one) and promote Burnt: The Story of the Fire King which is this month's novel.

If the campaign is successful (I'm planning to run it until December) then I'll have a published novel I'm proud about out into the world by early next year, depending on editing. If I use the 2K or so I hope to keep for promoting then I'll actually be able to get it into reader's hands and possibly make enough to at least pay some of my bills.

So what's the problem? Again, I'm scared shitless. Why? Because I've done the editing shtick before. I've had editors tell me that my stuff is great but seeing all those comments and red lines makes me think I'm not good enough. I see it as a kind of rejection, that I've messed up so bad that I shouldn't even bother. Granted it is grammar, wrong words, and tighter sentence structure that is meant to help (and does) but I still can't seem to get past it. I'm not sure why.

I do know for sure that I don't like to leave a goal unfinished and I've had the publishing goal on my resolutions list for years now. It's about time I give it one more try. Again: that is scaring the crap out of me. I know that as soon as I start the funding campaign and especially if it succeeds: I'm going to have to deliver. I'm going to have to get the book edited and actually CORRECT the changes then move on. I've given myself a deadline of October 10.

That deadline means I'll have the funding campaign started and I'll be promoting it like nuts. I'm hoping I don't deliberately let it fail so I don't have to see someone's professional editing.

Hell, even letting a good Twitter friend read a short story freaked me the Hell out. She tells me I'm good enough. Others have told me in the past that I'm good enough.

I don't think I am. I'm afraid I'm not. I'm afraid of being made fun of and rejected. I'm afraid of negative reviews and people not liking my work, and by extension: me.

But, I intend to overcome that fear. I owe it not just to me but to my characters and to all the people who have believed in me all these years. And quite frankly: I need to do this. If I don't I'll end up living on the street, literally because there is only so long lines of credit and what not can hold out. I'm running out of time and damn it, I like my bed.

Fear can conquer you if you let it. I'm tired of letting it hold me back.

Until next time: comments, rants, rage, questions, and concerns can be directed to the comments.

Is it June yet?

So I had this plan, see. It consisted of writing 14 novels in 2014 to go along with the 13 novels I wrote in 2013. Details here of course. But as some of us might know life doesn't always go as planned.

I work for a start up company. There are four of us trying to get these products that are really awesome into the world. I've been doing it for about six years now and haven't been paid for it in over a year.

Now you're thinking: Renna, why don't you just quit? Well, that would be the easy way out and I'm a stubborn git. I haven't quit because despite hating driving myself deeper into debt: I love my job, my boss has become a father figure to me, and I believe in the products. I believe that they're great and if someone would just take a damned well chance on them we could make improvements to the markets the products are in.

With that being said: the company can't keep going the way it's going and we've decided that if we can't make it by June then we're shutting it down. My boss is in no way a quitter and he didn't even want to give it up but his wife is right: we can't keep going the way we're going.

Which means if we don't make it by June I'll have to start looking for real work. If you clicked on the link in the first paragraph you'll have seen that my goal for this year was to write two books a month, finishing my crime fiction series in June. I'm not 100% sure if I can pull it off as giving that final push for work might cut into my writing time. If it does, when June does come and if we're not getting cash flow, then finding a job definitely might cut into writing time.

So, life has happened. The unexpected came up again and I'm left trying to plan for something I'm not entirely sure will or will not happen. I could be an optimist and say that with our combined efforts the final push will pay off but small business rearing in this economy, eh, not so much. I could be the pessimist and say that I'm prepared to start looking for a new job in June but the reality is that I'm not. I don't do well with change.

I really don't like not being able to plan for the future. I don't like that the plans I did have for my writing year have gone awry. I don't like a lot of things that have happened the past decade or so of my life but like always I'll have to deal. I'm kind of sick of dealing but hey, crap happens. We wipe it up and move on.

The thing is though that no matter what happens I'll always be a writer. It's the one constant that will not change and really, it's the only thing keeping me sane. But even that hasn't helped all that much.

This month has been exceptionally tough as I haven't been writing as much as I normally do (I like to take a month off in December) and I found out the above news last week. I'm conflicted on the news because it means I can finally leave without feeling guilty but again: I love it there. Normally I bury myself in a writing hole but I just can't this month.

I want to but I don't want to. It's weird, I know but I never said I was in any way normal. The news is kind of sitting in the back of my head and I can't think of doing anything beyond June. I know when I meet up with my one friend tomorrow it won't be a fun meeting. I'll be talking about this and how we can't go on vacation this year or to the convention we normally go to. It sucks, it really does.

And when I meet up with my other friend I'll have to give some form of explanation to her about why I don't want to go on vacation (or do other things that require money) this year and it'll suck worse because she won't exactly be supportive of it. It's complicated. Then if we do close shop in June I'll have to explain to my family and that'll be another mess. I'm looking forward to start Milwordy but I'm wishing I could stay stuck in 2013 so I won't have to deal with this.

But, we deal. That's what we have to do to go on right? Either that or give up and I'm not the giving up type of person. I mean I've been self-pubbed for four years, haven't broken even or come close to it and yet I still write. That's either tenacity or stupidity and I'd like to think I'm not stupid.

Anyway, writing will always be therapeutic for me so getting all of this out has kind of helped. At least for now.

Until next time: Comments, questions, rants, rage and everything in between can be directed to the comments.

Waiting is hard

I know it has not been that long since I started marketing Book One but waiting to see the 'fruits of my labour' is very difficult. The Face Book fans keep coming, all the marketing is done and now I'm technically left with nothing to do.

Usually I would have to make corrections to something, or check to see if I got an e-mail or make sure my fan page was being seen. Now, it's simply a matter of updating the blog and the fan page.

I'm quite antsy to be honest. I can't wait for say, four months down the road to see how well Book One does. I mean, it could be a total flop (which would be absolutely horrible by the way). Or, it could do much better than I anticipate (which would be exciting and frightening at the same time).

I mean, this has been a lifelong dream for me. As long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a successful author. The thrill of being able to start that dream has been amazing. It will be a hard fall if in fact, I do fall.

I don't think it will be that bad though, I have a lot of supporters and marketing is doing well thus far. I'm still nervous though and I'm fairly sure that's not doing wonders for my health...haha.

Waiting makes me wonder if it was worth it. My bank account says no right now, but hey, that may change.

Anyway, I hope that in a few months I can look back at this and laugh. And if not, at least I'll know I gave it my best. If you aim for the moon and fail, at least you will land among the stars.